Condescending Blow-Hards (A Rant Against Generica)

Meg&HamiltonSwan
Originally uploaded by dr. medusa.

I can take condescension. I can take it from senior faculty. I can take it from uppity students. I can take it from my family. I can take it from my lovers.

But, what I CAN NOT and WILL NOT take is condescension from my generica, condo-owning, J. Crew-wearing, Crate & Barrel-box-on-doorstep-every-day, commuting-to-a-cubicle-to-blindly-dully-happily-push-securites-and-
sports-travel-packages-down-the-throats-of-other-generica-fuckwits, sacntimonious-Republican neighbors. But this is what I get for buying a condo. A tiny many-floor-walk-up atop much more expensive condos, but a condo.

Here's the latest from the Generica Fuckwit Neighbors, a couple whom I will call Meg and Hamilton :

Hi Medusa,
I noticed that the back hallway is really starting to stink. Could you please put your trash in the outdoor trash can. I know you haven't gotten a new lid yet but storing your trash in the back stairwell is not a reasonable alternative. You can get a replacement lid at home depot for a few dollars.

Thanks!
Meg

Now, a little background. Point #1: Someone stole the lid to my trash can a week and a half ago. I haven't had a chance to get by the Home Despot to purchase another (which must be confusing for them, as they go daily). M & H are very concerned about uncovered bags of trash (attracts rabid animals and identity thieves). Point #2: I often put a bag of trash on my back landing, in preparation to take it down. Last night I did so, but then Cassio dropped by, baseball game came on, Shiraz cork was popped, yadda, yadda, yadda. So Poor Idiotic Medusa who obviously had not just forgetten to take the trash down but who had obviously decided that "storing" trash in the house was a "reasonable alternative" (because she is an imbecile) to putting it in the much-debated-over outdoor can caused quite a stink this morning.

You might think that I am making a huge stink over nothing myself. But Meggy and Hamilton have been sending me "friendly advice" like this since day one. Some examples:

"You might consider, the next time you hire movers, that the company you hired this time does not require their workers to wear shirts at all times."

"The mailbox you purchased is a different shade of black and made of a more lightweight metal than ours. I have put a Restoration Hardware catalog in your new mailbox. You might consider model #XXXX."

The best advice came when I objected to the joint purchase of a very expensive and unnecessary home improvement:

"Home improvements are necessary to raise property value."

"Living in this area is expensive. You should budget accordingly, or perhaps move to another area."

My personal favorite, which I will not include here, involved a quote from a popular Hollywood film that they corrupted to mean "consumption of material goods = proper living" (with the implication that I had somehow missed this point in my socialization and should get on board sooner rather than later).

I am not making this shit up. Oh, and they regularly "store" stinky dog blankets and such on their landing until they can wash them. Dog poop in the yard? Daily.

Fuckwits.