Professing * Reflecting

Thursday, April 21, 2005

May I have my scales back, please?

Something strange is happening to me. It might have to do with the research I am doing right now, with personal relationships, or with both. I do not quite know how to explain it as anything other than a dramatic and total and sudden shift in my perception. It's like I am seeing everything as it really is and that my notions of how things really are have been completely confirmed. And this is coming from a person whose life work (and experience) is about smoke and mirrors, the reality of nothing but smoke and mirrors.

But here I am thinking, "Ah yes. This is real. This is really the way I thought it was. That is not real. That was a romanticized version of reality, as I suspected at the time. I am really what I thought I was, what I knew I was all along. The fear that what was beneath the surface was exactly nothing was baseless. There's this whole world of me that can be seen."

I know this is nearly incoherent babbling. It would seem that this new clarity would bring with it the capacity to articulate what it is I am feeling and seeing. Maybe because I am feeling it so completely and deeply I can not verbalize it?

Or maybe I am slipping into psychosis? Maybe I have totally self-identified? Maybe I have had some kind of narcissistic break, into a kind of total narcissism by which I believe my version of reality is the reality?

All I know is that everything I know has suddenly rearranged itself. But I do not feel disoriented. I feel amazed but also clear and solid. I cannot remember ever experiencing a shift like this--a shift that did not leave me feeling totally outside of myself and gasping for air.

I want the scales back just so that I can view the new perception from the old perception, which seems to be lost but which I do not exactly miss. I want to tell myself to lighten up, have a stiff drink, fall back into the familiar bitter place. It's just not there anymore.



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