Professing * Reflecting

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Medusa Blues

After my sustained burst of productivity, I thought I would feel elated. Article submitted. Proposals sent. Grant awarded. New course proposals passed. Classes up and running. Getting buttloads of praise from hard-to-please department chair.

And how am I feeling? Really down, full of doubt, and massively insecure. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and basically gave myself a mental beating from three to five a.m. It just doesn't make sense. Does this happen to other people? Is it some kind of weird academic postpartum depression? Is it the time of year? (I do live on what currently resembles the moon.) Is it this profession? If I am unhappy when I do not get my work done AND uphappy when I do, should I really be doing this? Or is this a real (whatever that means) mental problem?

Maybe I just need to take a bit of a break today, even though I have a pile of work to get through this weekend. Lie about, watch movies, read, and maybe take a long soak in the tub. Yes, I need at least a day of planned and guilt-free rest. I probably need at least a month of guilt-free rest. . . on St. Barths . . . with Gael Garcia Bernal, but I will settle for the day.



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