Professing * Reflecting

Monday, January 03, 2005

Medusa Resolutions

I have made some dubious resolutions in the past, including "Learn how to drive drunk," "Adopt a Cambodian baby named Maddox", and "Budget for cocaine."

This year I will try at the very least not to dis the idea/process entirely. I have some general guidelines, under which all of my goals could be accomplished.

No stress in the '05: I know I can not avoid stressful situations. I am in the midst of several at the moment. My idea is not to stress over the already stressful, thereby adding another layer of stress. I want to adopt a more optimistic attitude toward all I have to do, even if it is totally overwhelming. The optimism may be foolish at times, but the general mantra will be "I can and will do this." Another piece of this is not stressing if and when I find that I can not and will not get everything done. I just do not want to continue the panic/procrastination/penance cycle that seems so damaging.

Sorry, but no "sorry" in the '05: This one might make it seem like I plan to be a total ass in the new year. This resolution was originally "be more assertive," but that seemed both vague and vaguely circa-1970s-women's-groups-in-church-basements cheesy. I find myself apologizing much too much to others and TO MYSELF about who I am and what I do. I am not a bulldozer (of others feelings or needs) and do not plan to become one. I just want to gracefully and tactfully do what I need to do to be who I am and who I want to be. Part of me knows the grace and tact part of this is me backing down or couching this strategy in more desirable traits. Hmmmm. . . .interesting that this description of this resolution is somewhat apologetic.

No (bull)shit in the '05: This is a further specification of the original "be more assertive" plan. I take much too much shit from others and, again (or primarily), from myself. I allow myself to get involved in bullshit situations that usually end with me criticizing myself for not handling the situation (which was always already unhandleable) properly. I see others sidestepping--gracefully and tactfully--the bullshit. I plan to learn how to do this.

So I guess it's about me becoming fully who I am in the new year and forgiving myself for not being what others need me to be or what I might think I should be. I am obviously scared to death that this will make me some kind of a monster. If I look at the mythological Medusa, though, I can see her as kind of a graceful and tactful gal. She does tend to creep in corners a bit too much. But wouldn't you if Perseus were hell-bent on beheading you? True, she is a killer. But is she really a vicious one? After all, she is just looking. And, according to Cixous, if you really look at her, you will not see a murderous monster at all. You will see a woman, beautiful and laughing.



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