Professing * Reflecting

Thursday, June 09, 2005

A short series indeed

I have decided to ditch the short posts on relationships. I feel like I, in an effort not to reveal too much about the relationship, began to reveal its most intimate details. Suffice it to say that my new romance is fucked up, I am fucked up, or both. I am desperately trying to figure out if my anxieties are normal, given the whirlwind intensity and instant seriousness of this relationship, or if I am destined to die alone, trapped in my neuroses. I thought we were on the same page (i.e. I was right there with him in the intensity and seriousness), but then I somehow fell off the page. Was I never quite there? In other words, was I mirroring? Hard to say.

All of this is going on somewhere in my head as I work on the article due in a few weeks. I am being methodical about reading all that I need to read (and then some) before I actually write the full version. I have some vague idea that this is a procrastination technique--that I actually need to lay the thing out, begin expanding it in the directions I indicated in the proposal, find its gaps, and THEN read what I have missed. But for now, I am telling myself that I am "grounding" myself in the theory and criticism.

Hmmmm . . .I am starting to see a connection between the writing process and the relationship process, as I have stalled the relationship in order to "ground" or center myself. I am refusing to commit to plans (plans to DO actual things) until I figure out how I am feeling. This seems incredibly self-indulgent, and it has to be frustrating and painful for him. I have been there myself, and it ALWAYS ALWAYS feels like a rejection. "Let me just take a step back and see if I really want to be with you." That is not what I have said, but it is how it must read on some level. Jesus. Who can possibly tolerate that?

I feel like an adolescent, as a scholar and as a partner.

I hope I will be less gloomy and negative in future posts. It's summer! Where's the joy? The gorgon's head is too full of venomous thoughts.



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