Professing * Reflecting

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Dreaming The Grand He

Remember The Grand He, the much older professor guy I had the whirlwind romance with in the Spring two years ago, the consummate narcissist who had our lives planned into the next five years, the one who immediately went back to his ex-girlfriend when I told him I needed to catch my breath and get my life a bit back on track before I could a) jet off to Europe for a couple of weeks; b) spend a month at a cabin with his teenage daughter; c) make a trip to the ancestral homeland to meet my mother; and c) seriously consider his marriage proposal? That guy? I have been dreaming about him at least a couple of times a week for the past few months.

I can't figure it out. He is getting married at the end of this month, but I seriously don't care. I am relieved we are not together. We made our peace about a year ago and are in regular contact. I have seen him at a couple of conferences. He was a little too attentive the last time I saw him, and I sensed that he might be looking for a new mistress. (Did I mention that the woman he is marrying was the mistress of his last marriage? Oops. Probably shouldn't have blogged that. Good thing I did it parenthetically.) This idea completely disgusted me, and I ended up avoiding him toward the tail end of the conference. Things were still cordial, though, and we have exchanged a few emails since. He has been a mentor and given me a great deal of career advice. I think I may have dissed him in one of these emails on this front, but it was because he was once again making grand plans for my life, just this time for my career rather than our romantic life. I responded in a jokey way, saying that his plan for me would be great if a little something called my life was not already in progress in ways that made his plan impossible. I haven't heard from him in over a month, which is unusual, but I figured this is because of year-end and wedding busyness and not because of being miffed by my dissing.

So maybe the dreams are a part of the career stress? Maybe he represents a career lifeline? Last night's dream involved me coming to his house in my kayak and only having a minute to talk with him, because his mistress-wife was coming home soon, and then not being able to find my kayak. (Why a kayak? Because the earth is now mostly covered in water and we travel along canals rather than roads. Global warming, you see. Duh.) Anyway, as I was frantically searching the house for the kayak, he ended up finding the kayak, discovering holes in it, and taking it across the street-canal to the gas station to have it repaired. He did this really fancy, daring, and adept roll thingy in the kayak as he crossed the canal-street. I remember being relieved and impressed. Then a chihuahua was licking my face and I woke up.

Hmmm. . .so that seems pretty clear--career stuff. Am I missing something? Do you think there's more to these dreams? Is it really about love? Am I still stuck on something to do with that relationship, something that keeps me from moving on? (Let's ignore for the moment that I had an eleven-month relationship with the Silly Hippie after this.) I want it to stop! Begone The Grand He! I want to paddle my own kayak to the post-apocalyptic gas station for repairs! Begone!



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