Professing * Reflecting

Monday, November 08, 2004

A Monster Reflects

[Warning: For those of you who faint at the sight of blood or the mention of blood or the mention of a woman bleeding or what happens to her before she bleeds, however indirect and however carefully couched in medical terminology, the following might be TMI.]

I was looking back over my recent posts--specifically from Friday to Friday--and I was amazed to see how angry or venemous or dark or sad I variously was. The blog is turning into a great mood-o-meter.

Is it a coincidence that those exact seven days were pre-menstrual days? I don't think so. Looking back on the week, I see myself chugging along through pretty constant irritation, rising to anger, and falling into despair in a fairly predictable pattern. Don't get me wrong: I am an out-and-out bitch, provoked pretty easily to a passionate response (whether high or low) on any day of the week, month, year. It just seems that I lost my sense of humor about it all last week. I was still pretty even among students, colleagues, friends, and even family. Inside and on the blog, though, I was writhing.

Is this necessarily unhealthy? Uncomfortable, yes. But it seems I managed to purge some pretty powerful emotions without damaging anyone else, except possibly Coco (long-distance best friend from grad. school) who got an earful over the phone on several nights. And then there was this thing with long-time friend, Demetrius, but I am not ready to talk about that. "This thing" is part of a larger thing that has been going on for a long, long time. It is not "healthy," but I cannot blame it on hormonal shifts.

I know, I know--I need to meditate, exercise, eat right, do anything, everything to control the dreaded, the terrible, the horrible, the unspeakable PMS. When exactly did we diagnose this syndrome, anyway? Why I am not allowed to ride out the heightened emotions of that week then enjoy the glorious energy of the next week? There's very little physical discomfort. Is it really unhealthy? Is it really me who is all that uncomfortable with the "crazy" emotional highs and lows? My only real discomfort comes from worrying over how I may have affected or appeared to others. Maybe during that week the mirror is not steady enough to steady others.

I think/fear that the blog is turning me into a big, nasty narcissist. I do not know if that is entirely a bad thing.



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