I might die if . . .

. . . I do not have sex with my hot South American student who reads Neruda's poetry as if he wrote it.

. . . I keep having sex with Demetrius (that's right, not Cassio, but Demetrius, and--yes--I do seem to fuck all of my friends).

. . .I do not figure out WHY IN GOD'S NAME Amazon.com is advertising a "Philips HeartStart At-Home Defibrillator." Should one have access to a defibrillator at home? ISN'T THIS INSANELY DANGEROUS? Does Amazon only advertise this when one is searching for critical theory readers?

. . .my Spamblocker does not stop sending me a Spamblocker report for every fucking piece of fucking spam it blocks. WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?

. . . the outside consultant brought in to assess the needs of the department (WHY? WHY?) decides my ass is stone-cold out.