Professing * Reflecting

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Medusa's road rage vocabulary list

I was reluctant to post this, if only for the google hits* it will generate, but then I figured you all might enjoy some mid-week filth.

I drive to school each day in the infamously bad traffic of Crowded American City. Not only am I a good driver, but I am also a good Crowded American City driver. Which is to say that I am a complete asshole. You have to be or you will not make it a block in this town. Those of you who have lived in CAC know I do not exaggerate.

To be a good Crowded American City/complete asshole driver, you have to possess a variety of skills and strategies. For example, one must learn to navigate by the stars or the sun or the Dunkin' Donuts constellation pattern, since signs here are either non-existent or completely useless and grid systems are considered to be for the weak and the stupid. One's nervous system must also be highly sensitized to traffic flow, ready to merge or not to merge, to cut off or be cut off, to make the left turn in the 3.5 seconds before one light turns red and the other green, etc. Strategic selection of music is also crucial to the success of a complete asshole driver. You need a soundtrack for proper execution of certain maneuvers. You do not want to be calmly listening to NPR during a particularly hairy merging situation, for example. Perhaps most important to your success as an asshole on the road is your ability to swear loudly and creatively.

Yesterday, while trying to ease my frustration in rain traffic--you know, because it's completely understandable that people forget how to drive the minute rain falls from the sky in a town where the average precipitation is only OVER 40 INCHES A YEAR--by getting the Led out and alternating between singing loudly and screaming obscenities, I realized that there are words I utter only while driving. Strange words. Ridiculous words. Confusing words. Words that are not a part of my normal speech, which is by no means free of filth. So here's the partial list of road-rage favorites:


What's apparent to me here is that in the car I either become a 14-year-old boy or I develop some temporary form of Tourette's Syndrome.

*Google searchers: While we see some thematic linkage and dominant imagery here, we cannot entirely account for these specific combinations of words or define them precisely. There seems to be a heavy focus on the lower stratum of the body and its functions, with an interesting tendency to tie this area and these functions to "face."



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