Professing * Reflecting

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Dark Night of the Smoker's Soul

I fear that this is fast on its way to becoming a quit-smoking blog, but--hey--it's my life at the moment so whatever. (Are there quit-smoking blogs by the way? I do not have the energy to do a search. The standard quit-smoking sites are just pissing me the fuck off.)

So this is supposed to be getting easier, right? THEN WHY THE FUCK AM I SO FUCKING PISSY AND ANGRY TONIGHT? THE FOURTH FUCKING NIGHT?!???! Grrrrrrrr. There I go with the gratuitous punctuation again.

Ok, to be honest, today was great.** I feel so so much better physically. I am getting withdrawal headaches and dizziness, but overall I have more energy. When I was smoking, I used to get tired all of the time. Just not happening now. I also feel better mentally, in spite of the irritability. I feel somehow clearer and steadier and . . . more mellow. It doesn't bother me to be around or to see people who are smoking. In fact, it makes me feel relieved (as I think, "Oh, wow, I don't have to do that anymore").

Tonight though? What the hell is it with the nights? Very very very difficult. (Hmmmm. . . gratuitous use of punctuation AND adjectives.) I felt the surliness coming on just before sunset, so I went for a run. That felt incredible. But then as soon as I got back, took a shower, and settled down a bit--brick wall of intense irritation.

I think this is actually the worst night. The first two were bad but I expected it. The third night I just kept thinking "This is the worst of it. After day three, it's much much better." But tonight? I would like to rip my entire sofa to shreds with my bare hands. Smashing any and all things breakable also seems highly desirable.

Crazy, huh? This is addiction. Amazing.

Okay, I am getting sick of hearing myself repeating myself AND Maggie Gyllenhaal's about to be on David Letterman. Love love love the Gyllenhaals, come addiction hell or high water.

Thanks so much to all of you who are sending your support. It is truly truly helping me, and I hope to return the favor someday in any way I can.

Ooooohhh--Maggie's on! She looks lovely! Yes. Better now. It's all going to be fine, right?

**It probably didn't hurt that I spent most of my afternoon kissing a cute boy. Thanks for your sage advice, Profgrrrrl!



Post a Comment

<< Home