Professing * Reflecting

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Wrestling with the demons

Why is this so hard? I feel like I am somehow weak because I am having so much difficulty with this. This is so fucking hard.

Thanks to Lucyrain, Clare, and Profgrrrrl for your encouragement. Your advice helped me today. I did work. I went for a long walk. I felt healthy. I even felt euphoric at times.

At the moment I feel like a goddamned junkie. I do not remember it being this hard on the last three attempts. Jonesing. This is incredible. I cannot believe how much I want a cigarette while at the same time I know I am done and that I do not want a cigarette. Bloody insane addiction. I have even managed to convince myself (with my terrifyingly "astute" analytical skills) that cigarettes will not kill me at all but rather the idea (i.e. negative "propaganda" related to cigarette smoking) that cigarettes will kill me will lead to lung cancer, etc. This is so fucked up.

What the hell? Why can't things in this world that we become insanely and utterly addicted to be good for us? Is life completely perverse or what????

Please excuse this melodramatic rant. I am sure I will retract these statements when I am out of the throes of withdrawal. I am already fairly certain, for example, that I will scorn the gratuitous use of question marks. Four? Give me a fucking break.

Any words of wisdom (or links or smack or crack or ANYTHING) you can send along will be greatly appreciated.



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